Monday Monday - DPP2023 Day 18

Today was an average Monday with 3 dance classes, weights workout, hitting practice, and basketball practice.  It is still less than the years they all played basketball but still a little crazy.  We manage to have the luck of having a bunch of activities all land in one evening.  It does make the rest of the week easy by comparison.   After a drop off to dance class #3 - I brought Runza back for the two teens hanging out at home wondering why food hadn’t been conjured up for them yet.  They were both off in their separate corners of the house and being lazy - until food brought them together.  These two immediate play off one another - usually mocking each other or themselves.  I snapped this photo to remind me of how funny they are when they are together.  Though I find it funny that I managed to snap the moment they were both chewing instead of laughing.  They are the best and I love getting to be their mom.  As soon as the food was eaten, they were off again to their quiet corners of their favorite things.  

We arrived uncharacteristically early to dance class and these two played checkers against each other on this little screens in the back of the van.  There was trash talking and cheating by attacking the others screen - which was all met with giggles and declarations of victory. It was a fun little interaction. 

Finally - Coach declared this morning a competition for best Christmas fit at practice.  Lil B raided closets to put together quite the outfit.  I love that he embraced the fun and wasn’t too cool to go all out.  Life is too short to sit out in the fun stuff in fear of judgement.  Honestly - this blog causes me great fear some days.  I am pretty honest about where I am and how I feel.   Some days that may sound negative or ungrateful.  I know some will judge me or think this is dumb.  But life is too short to give up on this 10 year tradition that shows me the good and the bad of each stage and season.  I am always so glad I have some stories written down because I have often long since forgotten them.  Plus I hope that my kids someday will realize that even though there were times of struggle - one thing that never waivers is my love for Rich and for them.   

My love for Rich may have shaken a smidge when he accidentally left out the sauce from some delicious meatballs that this little lady helped herself to.  For 5 nights, she has been waking me up two or five times a night to go outside.  She has also been gassing us out.  We called the vet today as we were concerned it wasn’t passing.   We were reassured and we are resigned to more nights with newborn level potty breaks.   Bedtime calls - so that I can be ready for this adorable super duper perpetual pooper in the night.   

Some good in every day - DPP2023 Days 14-17

 

Life has been busy and I actively set aside the blog for the last few nights choosing rest over writing down the memories of the days.  Undoubtedly I will have missed some moments I would have loved to read about later but I have been getting increasingly comfortable allowing myself grace.  Getting better at realizing the essential from the luxury.   Above is my great niece - she is the first baby in the family since K which makes her tremendously popular. Well that and she is super adorable.   As are all her visits - her impromptu visit on Friday night very exciting.   It should be noted that her parents came too.  We like them a lot too - but Baby B takes all the attention.   I felt like this photo E took of her fit my mood for the last several days.  Put on those shades and go incognito for awhile.  

Friday, I was able to squeeze in a visit with Mom and had time for a game with her.  Despite the fact she beats me every time and this time was no exception- you can see she isn’t finding the same joy she had the other night. And that is ok - not every day is going to be the best day - but every day can have some good in it. My exclamations at my disastrous luck in rolling got a few smiles from her.  

I also got some of the sweetest mail ever.  My friend who is a pro at finding the good - sent me this sweet card in response to the silver lining comments in a previous blog.  And I can tell you - while this is a friend I rarely see - her thoughtfulness is unmatched.  She is a definite silver lining in my life.  She always manages to strike the perfect chord with her kindness and this card was no different. 

So in a weekend filled with two basketball tournaments in two different cities as well as the hustle bustle of life - we found some good in our days.  

Baby B and parent’s pop in. 

Grandma coming for basketball games

Lil B  caught reading - of his own choice!  

Three out of four kids have to be drug away from books most of the time.  This kiddo likes to read but would always choose humans and active play every day.  So this was a testament to the book and good to see.    

Big B and I got to have a visit with Mom on Saturday too and her spirits were higher - which I never fail to feel my mood lift when I see her happy.  

After our Omom visit - Lil B and I got a little date night on Saturday to go to the Bluejay game.  It is always fun to get one on one time with any kiddo.  It is special with Lil B because he is always on the go and I am not usually the one he seeks out.  Time spent laughing, cheering, and connecting will always be time well spent.  Love my time with him.  

K’s coach gave the girls a little goody bag for Christmas and K wanted to immediately return the favor.  So a quick trip to Dollar General and a little time spent and we had 9 gifts ready to go for her team and coach.  I loved that her response was giving back so I had to encourage her in that. 

Today I got a date with K in E’s section at her job.  We had to run down there for a quick cleaning job - and then we figured we might as well go see our favorite server.  I wish I had taken a photo.  K was full of questions and concerns over the not so great part of the days events.  E had a table that had given her a hard time earlier and was glad to see some friendly faces. After some food, things looked a little better.  We watched the first match of volleyball before we had to head to K’s first game.    

There was some tough stuff this weekend but all in all - I got two dates with kiddos, Big B had times with friends, E had time with friends and a little time at work with us.  We can feel good about how abundantly we are blessed even on - no especially on days with the tough stuff.  And it feels refreshing to focus on all the good today.  For example a crummy thing today left us scrambling to do what was necessary before basketball and in a pinch - one of our awesome neighbors came and helped us.   We love our neighbors and we are grateful to feel surrounded in community every day.  

So my friends card will be posted for my reminder - to see the light in the darkness, the rainbow in the rain, and those silver linings - for they are always there if we just look hard enough.  

Bittersweet - DPP2023 Day 13

 

I had the privilege to be part of a special tradition today so that my mother could participate without anxiety.  It was the most wonderful of evenings.  The home was beautifully decorated as you can see from my chosen image of the day.  The food was wonderful and the company delightful.   What made it especially sweet was that my mom was more relaxed and happy than I have seen her in a long time.   She didn’t ask me once where she would sleep and only asked a couple times if she needed to go back.  She was content to just be in this space with people she clearly knew and loved.  

My heart could help but ache a bit at the sad parts of my presence there. Their group of 10 has become 9 and I just know how much my Dad would have loved that evening.  It reminded me of the events and life he is missing as we all try to march on without him.  While I had a wonderful time and this group has been in my life for ages - I just wish Dad could have taken Mom.  Or that Mom could have gone on her own.  The reality of the dual loss of my parents in different ways is palpable most days   I don’t talk about it much, but I carry it with me each and every day.  I have so much joy and goodness in my life - that I don’t find myself sad all the time   I do find myself feeling heavy.  Tired   Weighed down by the grief of this season of life. 

It is why tonight was so magical.  Mom is so different than last year when I ran in my PJs to snag a photo of the group much like the one above.   But what was the same is how happy this dinner made her.  It raises my goal of what to shoot for anytime she is at my house.  She was content.  She said, I just love to watch all the chatting and laughing.   When we left, she said, I loved that.  I could do that every day.  Me too, Mom.  Me too.  

What a gift to have great friendship, good food, fun games, laughter, and people who love you regardless your circumstance.  It was a bittersweet night but the goodness overflowed.  I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude.  

Showing up - DPP 2023 Days 11-12

Above you see the little brother who wasn’t excited to attend the winter concert of his sister.  Through the orchestras and bands, he played on his phone (and grumbled) - but when his sister came out - unprompted, he sat up and paid attention.  In these moments, much more than the ones where they fight, I can see that they will show up for each other and that makes my heart content.  I pray that my kids find life long family and friendship in one another.  That in showing up for each other over the course of their lives that they ultimately become the soft place to land for each other when life gets hard.  (Speaking of hard, despite arriving early, we sat on the floor - apparently not early enough). 

To back up - Monday (yesterday) was busy with testing at work. After testing, I stood in my office, knowing I had a ton to do and emails to respond to but also knowing K would have a performance at a retirement community that if I left then, I could make it.  It would have been easier to sit down and get to work.  But I went, which was every bit worth the hustle and drive to see the adorable 15 minute show.   The big grin from little lady when she caught sight of me made it all worth it. She would have been fine without me there but showing up made it much more special for her (and me too!).  Plus I got to see my sweet friend Jessica which is always great.

Speaking of Jess, she sent me this photo of K reading the comics and saying - this is my mom every day!  

I couldn’t help but laugh and agree!  Mondays after school, K goes with Jess and her daughter.  Our girls are good buddies and they attend dance together.  This weekly touch point has built for K an entire second family of people who show up for  her (and all my kiddos) with love and guidance and support.  This is a strength of this family and I am grateful every day they are in my life and the life of my kids.  As our society moves away from the village raising the child, these types of relationships illustrate just why that is such a loss.   

Speaking of working as a village to raise kids - it happens at the student level too - they just aren’t kids.  Our students are in a week of never ending exams and they near their Christmas break.  So we had a potluck today as a chance to destress for a meal.   When we arrived, we found the students wearing these sweaters - it is their village of professors who show up to support them to excellence.  My face sits on their left shoulder - among other places.   It was a hysterical sight.  

When I arrived home, it was a rat race to get ready for the concert and I was frustrated because I had planned to pick up Mom.  Time wasn’t our friend and we couldn’t get to her and get to the concert on time.   But quickly I learned that God was helping us out because we wouldn’t have had anywhere for her to sit so it was lucky we didn’t make it work.   Here is our view of the adorable concert from our standing room only place in the world.  

When the concert was done - a visit to Omom and some dinner were all that was left to do.   Since we undoubtedly disappointed her by not picking her up, K showed up to snuggle up and watch the video with her and both kids got a little love.  She was thrilled to see us and cuddle with the kids.   We got her all tucked in and left her smiling and happy.  

Today was a good reminder of what it means to show up for people.  In the busy state of my current life, I miss opportunities to do this far too often and I have been the benefactor of those who do it well - all too many times in the last few years.  I wonder if it might be one of the most important things we do in this life and the rest of life is just a distraction from it. With that framework - maybe the decision to show up even when it is hard might get easier for me.  

Hustle Silly Bustle - DPP2023 Day 10

We had a fun and full Sunday.  In the moment, it felt like a day of rushing and driving but as I look back on it, it was full of so much fun and silliness that I can’t help but think it was a great day.   We were slow to get up and moving so much so that 11am church seemed early.  We get up early but we can really milk our coffee and chair time on Sunday mornings.  Perhaps why the 11am service is our favorite.   Allows us to have the rest we need before we start the week.  After church, Lil b went to the youth group white elephant gift exchange - more on that soon.   We ran some errands and then returned to get him.   We stopped on the way home at a nursery nearby to get a wreath for OMom’s door.  The kids found this kitten above and spent the whole trip watching until a worker told them she was safe to pet.  

Getting them to a leave was a near impossibility.  Fortunately- finding what I wanted for my Mom proved harder than expected so they had time.   We settled for a door hanger and coaxed the kids away from the sweet nursery mouser.   

Omom was dressed perfectly for her gift delivery.   She loved her new door sign and having so many visitors.  She was in good spirits today which always makes my day better.  

As we arrived home, E was sitting in her car still from getting home from work.  Likely just enjoying the warmth and looking through her phone - she was was soon greeted by her little brother dressed in his full white elephant gift - sparkling light up hat, disco ball necklace, I love my boyfriend hoodie, and a lovely pair of tan pumps that are two sizes too small.  Behind this spectacle came her father who was dancing his typical E is home happy dance.  You can say a lot of things about this family - boring is not one of them.  

We then hit a Lil b basketball game and then to Grandma’s for all the birthdays from August to Present.   One of the after effects of Covid has been struggling to get these family get togethers to go.   It was so good to get back together. My kids must have been excited because they were loud and slightly manic.  Maybe that is why the get togethers are hard to come by - we are a lot.   In true Big B fashion, he opened the wrong side of the Parmesan cheese and no longer could see his spaghetti due to the mound of cheese. Grandma - as she always does, was quick to save him with a sudden need for lots of Parmesan.   

We all had a good laugh.  Big B was able to make fun of himself but I am sure he was very thankful for somewhere for all that cheese to go. 

At the end of a day where we ran from one thing to the other, after our slow morning of course, we managed to pack the day with the memories and silliness that comes from having a family full of people who don’t take themselves too seriously but love each other well. So grateful.  

Too busy for blogging! DPP2023 Days 7-9

 

It wasn’t a conscious decision to take very few photos over the last few days.  It has just been busy.  I can feel the pace picking up and the weight of the coming holiday pressing down as each day passes.  Since mom’s ability to cook succumbed to dementia, I have managed a lot of our family traditions and shopping for both sides of the family but my Dad always pitched in and set the tone. In so many ways - he was Christmas for our family.  I find myself avoiding tasks, including blogging the photo project as a way to avoid the void that is palpable as the holiday approaches.  

But mostly - I have been busy celebrating 32 brand new JayPAs.  How lucky to shepherd brilliant individuals from 
undergrad to professionals.  It is always one of my favorite days of the year.  

Perhaps one of my favorite memories from this graduation was to be included on a beautiful Hawaiian tradition.  This graduate’s Hawaiian relatives not only decorated her beautifully in real flower leis but also provided some for her to give to others.  I was a lucky recipient which made the day extra special.  

This class of students promises to be some of the best PAs in the country and I can’t wait to watch them soar.  

Today - I spent the day in front of a computer trying to get some forward momentum on Christmas shopping before everything I want to purchase says - “may not arrive in time for Christmas”. 

But K was busy!  She was having a banner day of basketball.  She contributed with points, steals, blocks and rebounds.  The team effort was enough for a 1st place win in her division this weekend.  

Now - E has just returned home from work and went to get a package from the mail.  As I sit to wait for time to pick up Big B from work - E opened her package to see if the perfume she bought really is different on different people.  

Rich is laughing at our very scientific process by which we determined it does indeed smell very different on the two of us which is also different than what it smells like in the bottle.  

Here is a photo I received from Big B. 

E has been finding and photographing hearts found randomly for awhile.  But since Dad has passed - we have been sending them to each other.  It has proven to be a way to feel close to Dad which is why I was so thrilled when B sent his photo of a heart shaped Mike and Ike.  And today, K sent a photo from Rich’s phone of a heart on a wall.   Can’t say I hate the idea of a tradition of sending hearts and love between all of us and teaching the kids to be on the lookout for the hearts of the world.  

The photo below is from our Florida trip in October that should have been in February and with Mom and Dad.  You will never convince me God or Dad didn’t put that heart in the sky just for us on that first night of vacation and we all noticed.  It was a gift that brought peace to an otherwise replacement trip for the one we really wanted.  

Tomorrow, I will work to be more intentional with my photos and my stories for the day.  But for now - I need to go get Big B (since he refuses to learn to drive - help!). 

Endur but enjoy - DPP2023 Day 6

 

After school today, Lil b ask K to come in the kitchen and recreate what they did in science class today.  I worked from home today so I could focus on writing a speech for graduation on Friday.  Sometimes words come easily - and then there are days like today.  Even this post feels like a struggle today.  My focus was on work when I got up to throw something away and I saw these two working away. How fun to have a front row seat to this sweet little exchange. Lil B was giving instructions and teaching the how and why you can make ice cream in a bag. Water was dripping everywhere but they just put more towels down. They were in their own little world laughing and creating.  K grew inpatient with how long she had to agitate the bag and wait for the ice cream to set up.  Lil B responded, did you think it would be easy to make ice cream in a bag?!?  As a mom, you can’t help but love when activities of their own making start to teach them how the best things take patience and hard work. 

In another celebration of endurance and hard work, the celebration of the Class of 2023 has begun. The path through PA school is more challenging than most realize and that struggle feels oh so worth it when we get to graduation week. Tonight we had a dinner as a last class activity before they all go their separate ways. Bittersweet.

Serving tables in the main dining area was a familiar face….

This morning, Big B and I went early to investigate a new and better suited apartment for Uncle Tev.  They had a unit become available and we wanted to lay eyes on it to make sure it would fit his needs.  After our successful investigation, B wanted a breakfast sandwich so we stopped to get him one. As we sat and waited for the curbside delivery, Big B mindlessly kept switching the radio station with his foot - without realizing it at first.  Once I pointed it out, he took great joy in finding different stations such as Boomer radio which may have been his favorite.  I sat silently watching this amusing situation until he hit a station with Bon Jovi on it.  The following photo was his face that I was ready to catch when after complete silence from me, I belted out the chorus of Blaze of Glory and scared the kid to death.  

After a moment of speechlessness, he simply said, “I might know someone that works here Mom.”  Little does he know, that would only make my ridiculousness more fun.  Big B is often a comedic genius but even when he isn’t, he still brings out the fun and silly in the rest of us.  The levity he brings to our family is both fun and healing.

These two photos were the bookends to the light part of the day.  Beautiful skies for both sunrise and sunset felt like such a gift and worth taking photo evidence.  This season of life is taking patience and endurance.  It takes stopping to be ridiculous, to laugh, to celebrate the victories, and to see the beauty in nature to survive it - and those things help me thrive in it.  Today was a great day. 

Extraordinary Everyday - DPP2023 Day 5

 First - Happy Birthday to Walt Disney! 

For the most part - today was an average everyday Tuesday.   The day started before the sun was up getting Lil B off to school - you can see how he is fired up and ready to tackle the world.  The carpool waiting game.

Middle school around here starts sooooooo early and then they like being there early to socialize.  

Mornings have become a time and space in an otherwise packed day that I can take a little time for myself.  In the last couple years, my responsibilities have expanded to such that there isn’t a lot of space in my days.  Rich has been unbelievable during this time and is also stepping into more Daddy duty than he previously did.  My morning time with some coffee and my Bible study gives me some peace before tackling whatever challenges the day may hold.  

These two join me in my morning time.  Here they are in the morning light and the glow of the bathroom light that teenage boys seem completely unable to turn off upon departure.  They are looking at me expectantly because we have begun to feed them Farmer’s Dog in the mornings which is real food.  They love it and stare me down until I feed them.  It has made Teddy (the bigger and older one) start acting like a puppy again and we went all summer without dead grass from their pee.  So we are fans and based on their shameless begging - so are they.   

Mom had a banner day today. She got picked up by E and taken out for brunch.  Those two have a special relationship and E is so sweet to her.  Mom also got to see her friend Barb who brought her a cute little Christmas gift.  My mom’s friends are such loyal people.  Mary and Claudianna come to visit regularly as well. I am tremendously grateful for that support and added bright spots to Mom’s week.  I showed up tonight to find her gone on a Christmas Light Tour - something Mom and Dad used to do together so I know she loved it. When she walked in and saw me, she lit up with the biggest smile!   Made my day    At her request, I got her ready for bed and even did her hair for her post shower frizz control.  We always laugh at the curling of hair for bedtime - so we took a picture to commemorate her beauty. 

You can tell how sleepy she is after her long but happy day.  There are so many hard and anxious days in this disease process that days like today are so precious. Love that smile of hers and those anxiety free eyes.  

As promised - I briefly caught Big B.  He has a job now and he is gone often which makes our home environment less fun but we are proud of the skills he is building.  When he is home, this is what he is often doing.  He will even narrate fight scenes with new names for each player - the most common being Bat B and the battle of Pusillanimous P.  The latter name coming from the puppy Patsy and her fear of nearly all things inanimate.  

Every hero needs a good nemesis.   I love in this photo - nothing is in focus except Teddy - who generally just stands and barks - as if to discipline the other two whom never stop moving.   

Big B loves his pups and takes awesome care of them.  They reward him with constant attention and play.  

Much like Big B’s shorts are foreshadowing what will likely be his future on the blog - he can be hard to catch a photo - even these he finds offensive.  

Before he becomes elusive again - he did end my day in the most Big B of ways.  He had a weird bloody nose last night and did all his own laundry to clean it up (yay for independence building).  He found a pillow ruined - noted the spots looked like eyes - so he added a sharpie smile and now the pillow is named Tim.  I suspect by morning, Tim will have an elaborate backstory.   

As it is every year, this blog allows me to see the extraordinary in my ordinary every day Tuesday.  While we rush from one thing to the next, we can miss the goodness of it all if we don’t slow down enough to see it.  Truth be told - I almost skipped today because I didn’t think I had anything to say.  And now, I see the day as extraordinary.  

It comes around - DPP2023 - Day 4

 

I have a saying that I regularly say to my kiddos when they aren’t having their best day or best moment.  I tell them, “We need to end this day and start fresh tomorrow.”  It is usually paired with, “things always look better in the morning.”  Those both proved true today.  Like the photo above, taken in the entry way of my work building - everything goes around and as time goes on, things look a little better.   Perspective is gained - the pain may remain but the silver linings shine a little brighter.  

Puppy snuggles are the best any day of the week.   

And big news!  Though she has another final at the end of the week - look who is home for winter break!  Hip hip hooray!! 

As you can see, first order of business - a nap and some Gilmore Girls.  

Finally - how can you not have a good day with this goofball in your world?   

Had to stop writing today’s entry to catch a photo to show how lucky I am.  He supports the time I take to write each day and he always helps out with everything. Rumor has it, he did a happy dance in the front driveway when E pulled in the driveway.  

All in all - we did need to end our day yesterday, things do look better and when you have a dancing dad - you can’t help but laugh.   Perhaps the beauty of yesterday is it made all the happy stuff today feel even better.  

Now the ever elusive Big B needs to make an appearance but tonight he is busy being a sandwich artist.