DPP2021 Day 4 - Season of Finding the Joy

 

There weren't a lot of photos from today - so I chose this one.  This is something you might not see often.  These are teenagers outside their natural habitat of face in phones.   This is a game that my brother Kevin puts on for them each week and this week was an epic battle.  Focus is held as they try to think quickly on their feet to find solutions.   

Finding solutions is the name of the game these days.  With the challenges we face on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis, we are constantly looking for solutions.  In the photo below - this is a Covid kiddo.  She has never gone to school without it being affected by Covid.  She has only had one Field Trip to the Zoo in the Fall of 2019 - which, thank goodness, I took the day off and attended with her.  Who knew it might be her only one.  We find joy in this opportunity to move back to a more typical education and we celebrated with a shake.  She would like you to know that she didn't cry.  She didn't move.  And the first thing out of her mouth the instant it was done was .... "Thank you so much".   She also has people she loves very much she is trying to protect.

My greatest joy today was seeing this face walking into the gym to watch Big B play basketball this morning.  This was HUGE!  And today - I will tell you why as I have his permission.   

Dad spent the many months prior to the fall having increasing fatigue and weight loss.  He chalked it up to getting old but in October, we figured out otherwise.  He came to my house for my birthday lunch and he was bright yellow.  My heart sank as I knew the options for the causes of that were small in number and at least two of them involved the big C word.   Knowing he had had the weight loss and fatigue, I had already started putting the puzzle together and found myself praying for liver cancer and not pancreatic.   Unfortunately, the diagnosis was pancreatic cancer and my hopes were unrealized.  We were devastated by this news.  Dad took it in stride at first while his doctor and I were both more upset.  For we knew the statistics and the likelihood of late staging.   But I was able to throw myself into caretaking for while Dad was in the hospital, mom got her hip replaced.   And when you have surgery that requires hip protective protocols and you have Alzheimer's, you need someone with you all the time.  I was grateful for the busyness of caring for both parents between hospitals because it distracted me from the wait for answers.  

Dad and Mom both came home and still required care so I stayed with them for awhile.  (Let's all take a moment here to realize what that means for Rich and what a rockstar he is.  Shout out to the best husband, son in law, and dad ever!) I was blessed to be able to go to Dad's appointments with him because I am not sure I would have believed it otherwise.  Many of you likely gasped or had your heart sink when you read pancreatic cancer.  Well, there is good reason for that.  It is an awful cancer that typically does not make itself known until it is so far gone that conversations center around time and comfort.   This is what I was prepared for and my heart broke at the prospect.  But that was not the conversations being had.  The surgeon spoke of operability and the oncologist said the much better "c" word - cure.   Dad's cancer just happened to grow where is obstructed the common bile duct early and he has a chance at a cure.  Praise God!  But with that objective, that means some big dog chemo - I believe the word used a few times was brutal.  Even so, hope is a powerful light and definitely a place for finding joy in this time.

If I may take a small aside to tell you that my Dad through this process remained steady and focused.  He was receiving what I can only imagine felt like a wrecking ball to his plans and life as he knew it and his only concern was my mom.   The only time he showed much emotion was in talking about wanting to take care of my mom and to make sure she was ok.  Over the time I have been helping them, I am realizing how much my Dad does for mom and how much she depends on him.  It is a real toss up on which is worse - Alzheimer's or Pancreatic Cancer - but what I can tell you is something to find joy in is the love they have for one another.  Mom doesn't always remember what is going on with Dad - but she often knows before I do that he is having a hard day.  She gets anxious and nervous and can't be still.   She just intuitively knows when he needs attention.  I can only hope that Rich and I might be lucky enough to have as remarkable and long lasting marriage as they do - despite whatever life throws at us.  

Brutal seems like it was the right tone to set for what followed.  Dad quickly went through the motions of getting a port.  A nuisance of a side problem of an abscess in his arm and a couple broken ribs from an unrelated slip and fall that happened back in late September added a little extra yuck to his prep for chemo.  And then chemo day one occurred.  It is unnerving to let them put chemicals in knowing all the side effects that are possible.  The unknown is awful and scarier than reality.  Each day went by and we watched.  He managed to not having nausea or vomiting.  He didn't get much of the diarrhea and none of the constipation.  He was able to eat and stay hydrated.  But he was fatigued to a level that I have never seen.   He just didn't do much of anything.  Getting up to go to the bathroom took mental gymnastics of working up the energy to go.  When we thought it couldn't get worse, days 5-7 hit and suddenly opening his eyelids took effort.  My Dad has been a hiker and biker his whole life and can't stand to sit around.   And he was reduced to holding his head up with his hand.   Both Dad and I mentally struggled with the concept of three months of this oppressive fatigue.   Chemo 2 came with chills, night sweats, and some nausea.  We kept checking his temp as all of these new symptoms seemed worrisome.  Sure enough - 5 days later, he was running nearly a 103 temp and had infection in his blood.  Back to the hospital he went.  The fatigue remained and he slept most of his way through that stay.   During that stay, there was a liver abscess found as well which has since caused a delay in his chemo and another procedure to drain it.  Not to mention daily infusions of antibiotics done by yours truly.   Trust me - my training gave me no advantage and I continue to have the utmost respect for the nursing profession.  It should be noted, that even in his great fatigue, he continues to be the strongest and wisest man I know.  

I don't know if was the delay, the resolution of infections, the rebuild of his blood counts or some combination of all - but he had his third chemo cycle started and four days later, he came to Big B's game.  He has energy.  He walked around the lake (it is actually less than a pond but this is not lake country so we call it a lake).  He has been able to take care of mom and he went on his own to many appointments.  This has given him a strong mental boost that I think was much needed after the very rough start to this road he has had.  You can see the joy he is finding in just having enough energy for the little things.  We are hopeful this will be more normal for him as he has been fighting infections during the other two cycles.  But whether it is or isn't, I will still find joy in his ability to go to all three littles games this weekend and run some errands.  But mostly, I find joy in the light it has brought back to his eyes.   Don't misunderstand - he still is far more exhausted than pre-cancer Dad but being able to do some of the things he enjoys now and again will make these last few treatments before scans again more manageable.  

While I don't know that I want to remember the awfulness of this time for Dad - I do think this valley plays in a big role in all our stories these days.   And I want this blog to be authentic to the time and challenges we are currently weathering.   All I know is that it has taught me gratitude for things that I have taken for granted for too long.  And it blesses me with the opportunity to spend time with my parents and repay in the smallest of measure the years they spent caring for me.   It also highlights the importance of relationships and friendships because my parents are surrounded by the most amazing tribe of people who have continually stepped up with meals and spending time with Mom when Dad needs me to be with him.    They have a remarkable circle of support.   

Just for a smile before I close - I couldn't help but giggle when Big B was helping Rich with the TV cables.   Just my own real life Elf on a Shelf.   :)   See - more joy!   There is always goodness when we choose to find it.   It doesn't mean that the darkness doesn't sometimes feel suffocating - it means I am going to keep turning my face to the light.  God has been faithful and good.