Day 17 - Practice Makes Perfect

Only one photo taken today as this one prepares for tomorrow’s recital.

A typical night of basketball and piano lessons - a standard Monday.  Deadlines are frequently uncomfortable and cause stress but they are effective.  They motivate you to take action and move toward the goal at hand.  The Christmas recital does just that for my kids.  I remind my kids to practice but I do not push them.  We have conversations on what must be done to improve but I don’t insist they do it.  Whenever a recital looms, the practicing comes naturally and they improve.  The older they get, they are making that connection and beginning to push themselves.  I am looking forward to hearing them play and celebrating their hard work.

Day 15 and 16 - Let the pictures speak....

Sometimes the stories can be told with just the pictures. 

Day 15

Grateful for this friendship.

Small, mighty, and fearless

She's got him.

But he's still got it.   Two of them cannot get the basketball from him.

Omom saves the littles from all day basketball.

Day 16

4 good buddies.  I love this picture.

Brown Chair Time

When the robot says your brother won't get any presents....

A great weekend.   My heart is full. 

Day 14 - Imperfection

Each year starts with the best of intentions but on some level, I always know that my journey in the DPP project will be imperfect.  The reason I embrace the imperfection is that it is a further illustration of the this stage of life.  I spoke in the last blog of perspective and keeping focus on the things that matter.  It has been a challenge the last few days.  Overwhelmed by a long to do list while fighting illness.  It made no sense to me to make this blog a priority when sleep was needed more.

 Even so, some things worth remembering have happened in the last few days.  After getting K treated and slowly on the mend, I fell victim to what I call, the basketball team cold.  The price of a trip to KC - still worth it.  A good starting picture is K's hairstyle to help her tackle her post ear infection day off back to school day.  In the reflection of the mirror, you can see a small part of the to do list.

Because of my cold, I elected to skip the President's Christmas party for Faculty and Staff. I wasn't feeling up to small talk and felt like all the shaking of hands would be a free gift of a sick Christmas for all I encountered. Wouldn't you know, I missed out on a picture with the PA Program Faculty and Staff with the President and Provost of the University.  Not a bad place to work when the President and Provost will happily join you for a picture.  Plus I consider myself lucky every day to work with this team to build a physician assistant program that I believe will exceed even our expectations of excellence at a University with a 125 year history of respected medical education.  It is really hard to be a working professional and a mom to four kids - the balance is never present and it is a constant struggle between the two areas of responsibility. Working on a project that I believe in so deeply, with a group of people who make me better, to create a program that will last long after me, and the opportunity to develop the best physician assistants by having the privilege to teach them is worth that struggle.  All day, every day.

I spent the evening helping my mother in law work out some issues on a new car purchase.  I have found a love for negotiation that I didn't know I had by visiting car dealerships now and again.  This trip was no exception.  Even so, my next goal at a car dealership will be for it to take less than the entire evening.  I did come home to find my children watching the Grinch together and it made my heart grow three sizes. 

And then there was my sweet hubby and his mama reviewing the ridiculously good deal we got for her.  (She purchased a 2017 that had a bunch of problems, so I managed to negotiate and straight up trade for a 2019.  Yep, I couldn't believe it either).

The next day was a typical day.  Work which kept me busy and then home to run kiddos, three of them, to basketball practices.  Sometimes, on those days that I just run, I forget to look, to see the opportunities for photos.  On Thursday, I did take the day at a slower pace.  I was able to have coffee with a friend and colleague that was so good for my soul.  Why I didn't take a picture in that moment, I will never know.  A regret from this December photo project - for sure.  I see in her what this blog has shown me to be true.  Life isn't supposed to be easy and sometimes the hardest times in our life are preparing our hearts for the next big steps.  Life is imperfect for her right now.  She has championed her way through some hard challenges over the last year.  She has handled it with a strength and grace that I admire.  Yet, she finds herself still unsettled and lost.  In conversation, I can see it - her dreams, her passions, her strengths fighting their way to the surface and the struggle is giving her the bravery to tackle the world.  These are the things I must remember when I struggle and when those I love struggle.  If we do not allow the struggle, we rob those we love or ourselves from the growth, the strength, the discovery that comes on the other side.  May I remember to love them through it not save them from it.

Today was a normal-ish Friday that just had some precious moments with in it.  While I picked up my Mom and Dad from the airport, Rich took the kiddos to a Christmas party and they got to see Santa.  I was sad to miss it but this is a special Daddy thing they do each year.  E had to miss it because she was at basketball practice - shocker, I know.

Then we returned home for some typical Friday night fun.  Kevin has started a game night with the boys and they love it.  He takes them through challenges that require planning, creativity, and problem solving.  It is clear that it is just as much a highlight of Kevin's week as it is theirs.

Normally, little b is part of game night but some sad choices left him in his room for the night.  While he is sad, as evidenced by the photograph, he showed great maturity.  He had received quite the talking to and a few hours later, he emerged with words of genuine apology, insight into harm he caused others, the embarrassment he caused himself, and had his own ideas of how to make things right to the best of his ability.  Being a parent is hard when everything is going well.  When kiddos make choices that result in consequences, it is never fun for anyone.  It takes extra energy, consumes mental capacity, and requires intention if the lesson is to have any hope of being learned.  And most times it is met with defensiveness and anger, so when you get a night like tonight, where connections have been made without your help, consequences accepted because they feel deserved, and intentions to try to put good in the world. . . .well, those are the moments that give you the glimpses of why you do all this in the first place.  The connections get made in all of them but it is rare that you get to see it in real time.  Leave it to little b to figure it out so quickly.  He spent the whole night in his room alone which is hard for any kid.  But with loud fun going on downstairs, being the world's most social and outgoing personality, and having a little sister keep asking you to come play - I think it was extra hard.  But there he sat, without complaint, and met me only with apologies.  Unreal.  While his actions were imperfect, he perfectly took responsibility for which I can't help but be proud.

After this super long post, it is time for bed.  So go brush your teeth and be sure to examine them after - as demonstrated in the above photo - for completeness.  For if there were ever a time to allow some perfection in, it is definitely dental hygiene.  :)


Zoomed out versions of the last blog's close ups.

Day 10 - Perspective photos

Dpp2018 Day 10  Perspective 

It was bound to happen.   The cold that began with Rich and E has finally hit me.  I blame the three hours of coughing to KC.  So I am typing this from my bed, on my phone.  I beg forgiveness for errors and autocorrects.  I feel pretty fortunate for all my years practicing in pediatrics because I really don’t catch many colds.  Nothing like getting sick to give you perspective about being grateful for all those colds you haven’t caught over the years.

Someone who is much more miserable than I is Miss K.  She woke up this morning with an ear infection.  The perks of being a pediatric PA, is I can look when needed and have a call in to her pediatric provider pronto.  We tried ibuprofen but it didn’t help the pain so she had a pretty miserable day.  Her sweet Daddy made it better by picking her up from school and helping her create a nest. This comfy bumfy as my sweet mama always calls it did make her feel better.  First dose of antibiotics is on board and she is headed towards the mend. Daddy for the win!

Chillin’ in Dad’s Office

I don’t think anyone likes being sick but I do think the silver lining to illness is perspective. Recognizing how much you should appreciate feeling well.  The big dog illnesses give perspective on the amount of slow down you can accomplish if needed, who cares for you, and what REALLY matters.  I think perspective is one of the main reasons I do this blog each year.  To help me see the worthwhile in the hard, the strength in the struggle, and cohesiveness in the chaos.  So that became my focus today.  My photos today were a close perspective versus the whole picture.  Sometimes being close up brings clarity and sometimes stepping back is what gives the clear picture.

Close up - do you know what it is? 

See if you know what the close ups are and I will post the zoomed out version in the next blog.

I am hitting that panicky stage of Christmas prep.  I have not begun shopping.  I don’t even have much for ideas for the kiddos or Rich. I haven’t even created one list and normally by this time, I have many ready for checking off.  No baking has been done.  Usually by now, we have chosen a few service projects as well.  And to be quite honest, I am not sure when time will present itself to get this train moving.  This the panicky stage....

Too close and wrong viewpoint 

At the end of the day, those things that must get done will get done.  Maybe not exactly the way they always do and maybe not to the degree they usually do.  But it will all get done.  It took the fourth kid and all the busy that came with it before I could finally let go of trying to be Pinterest perfection all the time.  What a liberating moment that was! What I discovered in letting it go was that it was all a facade anyway.  What lies beneath is where the experience exists.  Christmas will always be memorable at our house as long as the recipe includes time with family, a focus on those in need, and keeping eyes on the reason for the season.  It is so easy to let the stresses of the holiday hustle and bustle set the tone.  It is within our control to set the tone to a totally different note by setting priorities in line with what makes the season special to you.  As those lists begin to take form over the next few days, my challenge will be to keep my perspective and prioritize those things that add meaning.  Because even knowing the above to be true, when in action, I struggle to keep that perspective.  I get lost in it just as much as the next person.  And let's face it....I will still panic.  I will just have to keep stepping back, taking big breaths, and looking for perspective.

Zoom out and see what matters.

Days 8 and 9 - Success!

Around this same time last year, I had a post where I was trying to take pictures of basketball to reflect the day and had to take a volume approach to my shooting.  I am happy to report - with the help of my photography setting mentor, Taylor Wilson, that I have learned to take exactly the shots I want to take when I want to take them.  I consider that success! 

This weekend was a basketball tournament in Kansas City for E's team.  E's team doesn't travel a ton which made this trip extra special and extra challenging.  The level of competition is higher and took some adjusting.  The girls got beat in every game which may beg the question of why I would title this post success.   The girls played hard, they stayed in the game, and they battled to the end.  From the first game to the last game, the level of play continued to rise.   Despite the tough competition, E had multiple assists, rebounds, steals, and buckets in every game.  A couple missed layups she wants back (I can hear her Pawee groaning from here) but otherwise a really solid performance weekend.   Most of all, she learned a lot about mental toughness and playing all forty minutes.  How can you complain when your kiddos learn about the importance of resilience and tenacity, losses are learning opportunities and to not give up until that last second passes.  So many translatable lessons in there. 

Most importantly - it was a weekend of friendship and fun with teammates.  They enjoyed singing songs at the top of their lungs, dancing around hotel rooms, running to Starbucks, and shopping at the mall.  Basketball will come to an end some day but the friendships and the memories will live on. 

During this time, Rich was at home running the other three to their basketball games.  Rich coaches, usually with E, the kindergarten group.   Apparently K got hit in the head with a basketball in "practice" (aka the first 20 minutes of the game) and reacted in a similar fashion as one who has had an arm severed.  When Rich told me this story, while I empathized that he had his hands full with three kids, a bunch of kindergarten basketball players, and a wounded drama mama, I could not help but laugh at the mental image.  Trying to hold the injured one, ensure the other two kids are not running amok, and running a basketball practice.  I think he deserves an award.  :)

Finally, it will always feel like success to have one on one time with any of my kiddos.  We shared laughs, car dances (or at least mom dancing and E rolling her eyes),  and tons of great conversation.  She is a really great kid with a good head on her shoulders.  She has an amazing self deprecating sense of humor, a strong work ethic, and is an inclusive friend and teammate.  The basketball is just the side show to the main attraction of getting to see who she is and what she stands for come together.  I feel really blessed to be her mom. 

It feels so good to have the family at home but I wish we had one more weekend day to enjoy one another.   Enjoy some pictures from this weekend. 

Shooting 

She is becoming quite the shooter.  She needs some consistency but it is coming.  But she is also really good at seeing the court. She looks for the cut and to see if someone has the better shot. This next series shows where she interrupted a layup to make the pass to the better shot. 

#1 - A steal for a break away

#2 - Starts layup but sees the block so she passed

#3 - Successful shot

Work hard and play hard, right??  

Starbucks to start the day.

Matching braids for all.

They love Coach Shawna.

Battled hard so time for movies, pizza, snacks, and silliness.

It was a fun weekend!

Day 7 - Friday Fun.

Sometimes I start these posts and have no idea what on earth I am going to write.  It just develops as I go.  Today is one of those days.  Nothing monumental happened today which after this week felt like a big win.

After work today, it was time to decide who was going where and doing what this weekend.  Since Rich had recently been out of town, he was ready to be home for a little while.  So E and I packed up and we headed to KC.  But before I left, I snapped these few pictures of the crew readying themselves for a movie night. 

Three good buddies....

Apparently, her snack is worth display and a thumbs up.

The kiddos just love when Uncle Tev comes over.  He always bring extra energy and fun every time he walks in the door.  Tonight - they were strategizing over the best place for take out since Mom would be gone.  Then they had big plans to watch movies.  And when Kevin is around - you will always know where for find Teddy..... right at Kevin's feet. 

E and I drove to KC and talk about a treasure of a trip.  These trips are fun because they can be laid back, all about one kiddo, and fairly unstructured.  E spent the drive chatting and engaging.  As the teenage years roll in, you see more headphones and withdrawal into their own world on car drives.  This drive was so good for my soul.  She laughed hysterically sharing things from her world and favorite videos.  She has a great laugh though it was interrupted by coughing (cold is still working its way out).  She told me stories and taught me slang.  Well, tried to teach me slang - I am looking forward to using it and the eye roll that will follow.  We had the best time.  It felt more like being on a road trip with one of my best friends than a teenage daughter.  I hope that this is the glimpse of what our friendship will look like when she is grown but for now, she needs me to be a Mom.  Knowing that, makes this drive all the more special. I am so thankful for the closeness I feel with all my kiddos.  It is definitely something I do not take for granted and intentionally try to nurture.  I am learning as I enter this teenage phase that I need to let her come to me now and that can be hard when I know she is wrestling with tough stuff.  But I rest soundly in the place where I know she has more than enough strength and character to deal with most anything. When we finally made it to KC, she had friends waiting at the door for her arrival.  Like any good road trip, we had bought some good hotel room hang out snacks before leaving down.   Here are the girls enjoying the snacks, laughing, giggling, and being just as crazy as they should be at this age. 

Day 6 - Maybe, just maybe it is all the best time of your life....

Today's picture is a random picture that I took because I was staring out a window when I noticed I could see four trees.  So I snapped a picture of it.

DPP2018 Day 6 - Four Trees.

I wanted to take just a minute to respond to a blog post that I saw on Facebook today.  To be fair, I only read the headline but it instantly made me feel stressed, worried, and like life was passing me by.  I don't remember the exact title but it was in essence that the child rearing years are the best years of your life.  I take exception with that.  Anyone who reads this blog knows that I am a believer in drinking in the moments, recognizing the moments of beauty and calm in the ugly and chaotic.  I am not a believer that these years of my life will be the only moments worth drinking in.  We tell high school students that college will be the best years of their life. . .how depressing is that?   In four years - your life is ALL DOWN HILL!  Not a chance!  Is it an amazing time of life, absolutely.  But like every phase, it has advantages and disadvantages.  That is just the same for the many stages of raising kiddos.  There are so many wonderful things that I miss about the baby stage.  Baby snuggles when they are all scrunched up with their knees tucked under them, the smell of a post bath baby, rocking and soothing a baby until their eyelids get heavier and heavier.  But you know what I don't miss?  The stuff.  So.  Much.  Stuff.  Packing three bags to spend the afternoon with a friend.  Packing three cars for an overnight trip.   The sleep.  So LITTLE sleep.  Some nights were so disrupted I can remember rocking the baby and crying because I knew I had to function the next day with around 40 minutes of sleep for the night.  And diapers.  Enough said.   So for this phase of life, I love the kids all being old enough that we really engage as a family.  We play games, do activities, and travel easily.  I love that the kiddos dress themselves, can play independently, but still need mom and dad once in awhile.  I love watching them do the things they love.  Entering the world and finding their way.  I love watching their personalities developing and the glimpses of the people they are becoming.  But there is a chaotic frenzy that accompanies most days and a constant battle for space and reflection.  There is bickering and ugliness amongst siblings.  And there are life lessons - big life lessons that need intention to make sure those learning opportunities are not missed.  This takes vigilence, determination, and care. And the worry if you are striking the right balance with boundaries and permissiveness.  Enough freedom to learn and grow but not so much to invite danger or problems.  And when the child rearing phase is done, I am sure that I will miss so much of it.  I am sure there will be memories that make my heart ache.  But the train doesn't stop there.  The next phase will allow a return of time for Rich and me, traveling, date nights, seeing movies, pursuing passions and maybe someday, grandchildren.  Those will all have best time of your life memories too.  I refuse to believe that there is any phase that could end and all the best is behind me.  There are advantages and disadvantages to every age and stage of life.   Life only passes us by when we spend so much time looking at what was or what will be that we for get to to drink in what is.  

So drinking in today meant, putting my work life on hold to take care of a different sick kiddo.   This created problems in responsibilities that I had at work.  Like Murphy's law - these things always seem to land on days when there is something you can't miss.  I didn't have any choice but to miss it.  My coworkers made adjustments with kindness and without escalating my already guilty conscience.  

Speaking of a guilty conscience,  Lil b was sick this morning, looked terrible, felt like he was going to throw up.  He slept most of the morning and then started to slowly perk up.  By 3pm, he was bored out of his mind.  In the morning, I had told him that I had an important event at work and I needed him to only asked to stay home if he really needed it.  At bed time tonight, he tearfully asked me if I was going to get fired.  He assured me he felt terrible in the morning but recognized his improvement.  So often I don't realize the impact of my words and the imprint the little ones carry.  It felt like a good time to remind him that he is and will always be more important than work.  Ugh - still feel terribly that he was carrying that around.  

We have groceries again so we had a delicious homecooked meal of chili and blueberry muffins (because Cinnamon Rolls are a big project) and then it was off to swimming.   I took this quick picture because it was both kiddos getting their lessons!   Normally Lil b would have been there too but he stayed home to get to bed early.  

Swimming was so funny for me to watch today.  The teacher kept yelling out B's name, correcting his kick, he would nod, try again, and it would be exactly the same.  By the end, everyone was giggling especially B.  Perhaps B is slowly entering the stage where you think your body is doing something but it turns out you have very little control.   We've all been there buddy.....

Now, it is time for sleeping.  As I fall asleep, I think I will spend some more time thinking about why right now is the best time of my life and how I want to live my life to make sure it is always the best time of my life.  

Day 5 - All fired up.

I am sitting here watching cheesy Hallmark Channel Christmas movies while trying to do online grocery shopping and preparing to do today's blog.  I am reflecting on being teased by coworkers today about being off my game this week and wanting to know when Rich would be back in action. This was light hearted banter that I found hilarious.  Plus, I am the first to admit that I am better when Rich is by my side.  He strengthens where I am weak.  Just the same, I have done this temporary single mom thing many times when Rich's work needed to take a front seat for awhile.  It has always been fine and smooth.  Maybe it was the Monday, Monday or lack of sleep or just a blip on the radar screen.  Whatever the case may be, it is taking a good sense of humor to get through some of these self-created bumps in the road.   Tonight was quite the doozy.  After running Lil b to and from basketball, we picked up some Arby's to bring home for a late dinner (online grocery shopping should help eliminate the need for take out food!).   Big B was at basketball so I left his meal in the bag and tucked it in the microwave.   Suddenly, I had this bright idea that if I just gave the food about 30 second of heat, the microwave would probably help the food hold its heat.  That saying of out of sight, out of mind had some real truth in it.  See, that foil wrap that they put around Arby's sandwiches was out of sight and it was definitely not in my mind.  About 10 seconds into that 30 seconds, there were full fledged flames in the microwave.  Interestingly, if I hadn't doused it all in water, the sandwich may have made it unscathed but the curly fries were goners. 

Oops.  #dpp2018 #day5

I am feeling incredibly fortunate that the only thing harmed in this incident was my pride.  There is a nice added aroma to the house that I can't seem to shake too.  Fortunately for B, I was too busy firefighting to eat my dinner - so it became his.  I reheated it on a plate, without any metal or flammable materials.  Novel idea, eh? 

I didn't love this event but I couldn't help but laugh at myself.  Naturally, my coworkers were the first to be notified that I was continuing my crazy week with flare (pun intended).  I was grateful for their mix of humor and concern. 

It was a good thing I didn't spend too much time feeling stupid and foolish because I would have missed out on some other good stuff. 

K and Lil B were catching the end of the Grinch movie with an extra fluffy and lovable pillow.  These two are the best little buddies and they love their puppy.  Lil B is doting towards K and is constantly teaching her new things.  K dutifully responds with appropriate little sister admiration.  It makes my heart happy. 

E was home sick today and managed that on her own for the first time.  Well, she did have Netflix to keep her company.  Despite her day of rest, she was tucked away and ready for bed early on.  I am hoping this day of rest allows her to turn the corner on this cold. 

She is somewhere in there.....

And last to arrive home and last to eat dinner and last to get in bed. . . .big B.  But he fell asleep instantly with his buddy by his side.  B gives Teds lots of extra love and attention.  He approaches the dog by thinking what the dog wants from him.  And slowly but surely, I think B is becoming Ted's person.  He used to sleep in B's room until I went to bed.  Now, he stays all night.   They are just so peaceful sleeping there together and I love his folded hands. 

A very end of the day, I had a last minute add.  A selfie taken while writing this blog.  Someone got up feeling scared and wanting her mommy.  So she slept on my lap for a little while.  I stopped for awhile and just held her.  I am in those final stretches - when I know that one of these times will be the last time I hold her while she sleeps and that part of my life will be over.  Those lasts don't announce themselves.  They just quietly never happen again.  I spent so long enjoying that moment, that the little sweetie quietly asked, "take me to my bed please".   Now, I find myself saying the same thing.  It is time for sleep.  For this brain clearly needs to be rested for the sake of restoring order to the rest of this week.  Good Night.....

Day 4 - A little about my mother in law. . . .and snow.

Monday has passed and today has restored typical order to our routine.  The craziness of Monday allowed for space this evening.  Much needed space.  Today, I am thankful for my mother in law, Marilyn.  Well, I am thankful for her all the days.  My husband is one of the most giving, caring, and thoughtful people I had ever met - until I met his mother.  Marilyn is an acts of service love language gal and all those she cares about are great beneficiaries of her loving care.  When Rich gets busy with work, the way he is this week, she clears her evenings and comes to help me.  She does the same for Rich if I am having a particularly busy week or I am traveling.  She arrives in time to greet the children when they get home from school and hangs out with them until I get home.  She helps transport children or stays with K so she doesn't have to spend her whole evening in the car. 

A rare picture of this special lady.  She got us Panera Bread soup and sandwiches for dinner so I wouldn't have to cook.  I cleaned off the table and headed outside to snag a couple pictures of the kiddos in the snow before they decided they were too cold.  I had just come in from taking pictures of the kids in the snow to find her doing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen for me.  I am both overwhelmingly grateful for her kindness while also feeling guilty that she spoils me/us!

The kids had time playing outside in the snow.  They had some big plan going.   These three have been playing together more and more recently.  They seem to always have elaborate games or ideas going.  One of the great features of having so many kiddos, playmates are built in and plentiful.  It does seem to coincide as we see less and less of E.  She naturally gravitates to her room more often and while I know it is normal, I miss having her in the mix and present to join me in commentary.  I never did get my shutter speed quite right for the pictures but I love them still.  There was so much movement and playing out there.  They couldn't be bothered to slow down to hold still for a picture.  

Fun in the Snow 

Seriously. . . their faces!

This one hasn't been feeling well for a couple days but it has gotten worse.  Her face is puffy and red, nose is stuffed, her voice is nearly gone, and she coughs like crazy.  Here, she is trying to do homework while face-timing.  I can't imagine that made for productive homework completion but she gets her work done, she gets great grades, and she manages it gracefully.  So group homework time it is!  Now if I could just convince her to slow down and get better.

Let me out, Mom!  DPP2018 Day 4

My picture for today. . . Mr. Teddy D. Dog.  Begging to go outside to play with the children.  However, he cannot be allowed out for he gets just as excited about the snow as the kids do.  He shows his excitement by tackling the children and pouncing on them.  The behavior only comes out with the snow - no other time.  I think he just can't believe that they refuse to puppy play with him in this great white fluffy stuff so he doesn't ask, just pounces.