Forging Friendships - DPP2022 Day 16

 

When these two met, I am not sure Teddy was sure this was a good idea.  Now, they live in different homes but when given the opportunity to be together, we find they have forged a connection.  They are becoming friends over time.  Sometimes friendship takes time, sometimes it is immediate.  It varies on whether it lasts a season or a lifetime.  I only have a few lifetime friends and they are people I am sure I could not exist without.  Today, I was reminded the tremendous joy and gift there is in forever friends.  Even those who join in late in the game or those who came and went - all friendships are such a blessing in how they shape our life, support us through the hard stuff, and gift us with memories.  

I spent most of the day working through a long list of Christmas preparation work.  Leaving little time for anything else.  When Dad called to ask me to come help my mom get ready for her Christmas dinner with the Grazers, I was happy to help.  Lil B offered to come with me.  

Here Lil B is teasing his Omom that he is going to be the one to do her hair and make up.  He is showing her where he is going to put make up.  You can see what a good sport she is as she smiles at him.  

Being in the bathroom with my mom brings back so many memories of getting ready for school pictures or dance recitals.  The hours she spent fluffing and buffing my hair for different events are too numerous to count.  Every time I do this for her, I am touched by the closeness that comes from chatting and doing hair and make up.  If she had her memory, she likely would hate that she needs help with this.  She never wanted to put others out.  However, if we weren't here, I would miss out on these sweet moments that just feel special.  We laugh when I attempt something that just doesn't work.  We figured it out in the long run.   

Pretty great looking couple!   They had a dinner with some lifelong friends that they have known so long that I consider them friends too.  They are a delightful and fun bunch.  They show up for each other when it matters and they love each other just as they are.  Knowing each other's strengths and weaknesses and seeing the value in both.  These friendships born out of their kid's activity were likely an unexpected gift of middle adulthood.  A gift greater than anything that can be wrapped up in a box.  

Short and Sweet - DPP2022 Day 15

 Today's post will be short and sweet because this is the only photo I have from the day.  This photo was taken by E as she drove the puppy over to visit Omom and Pawee.  Both the bigs were over there for the evening.  E was getting help on an essay she wrote for her AP Lit class on Jane Austen and Big B was helping wrap gifts and do Christmas tasks.  A shout out to E's AP Lit teacher, he is excellent at pushing these high school students to college expectations and most importantly, he teaches students HOW to think instead of WHAT to think.  We are grateful to all the teachers that invest in our children but this teacher truly is a cut above.  

GREAT NEWS, Dad was feeling better and while he still needed an afternoon nap, energy level was improving that the fever is gone.  If that doesn't bring the sweet to this short and sweet post, I don't know what does.  Praise God for a good day.   

Waiting..... DPP2022 Day 14

 Today was a tough day.  The photo above that was chosen for the day was taken before the reason I chose it as the reason for the photo for the day.  The evening was logistically challenging. We had over lapping drop offs and pick ups for all the things including the dogs.  We handled it like the pros we are and even managed to meet in the middle to pass Lil b and some Arby's from Rich to Big B and me.  The photo above is of our last stop.  The haircut for lil b - though they both need it.  Big B wasn't interested and history tells me he will eventually ask.  Where choice and control can be given, it will be.  These two had the funniest conversation throughout the entire haircut and somehow it became a non stop World Cup trivia match in which Lil b's answer was always Messi or Ronaldo.  Our hairdresser just kept laughing at the two of them.  Below is a photo that is more real life than above.  I must have caught a quiet moment above but my brain does not remember any quiet moments.  These two have the funniest and most bizarre conversations and I feel privileged to have access to them.

Man, it was a tough day for homeschooling.  I knew when I decided this was best for Big b that the beginning would be tough.  I knew I was signing up to be accountability that was more than what the school could provide.  I knew that I would be holding him to higher standards than what he was used to.  I knew that every standard and boundary I set would likely get challenged at some point.  When I presented the option as a choice to him, I laid out the most unpleasant of realities and yet he still chose it over public school.  Yesterday and today were days, not the first nor the last, where those boundaries and standards got challenged.  It is a balance that I tread lightly because many of his bad habits can easily be explain by the challenges we know he has from attention issues to dyslexia to processing issues.  It would be easy to accept those things as an excuse and lower the standard.  I think that is what the school did.  However, we also know he is capable and has tested as gifted.  He has skills to build and I suspect that only some adversity in the context of support is going to build those.  Today was definitely an adversarial day.  Some days, I find it easy to be patient and firm.  Setting the boundary firmly with calm and loving reinforcement.  Choosing to encourage him and empathize while holding stubbornly to the bar he must meet.  Some days, like today, when the words coming at me are those of a frustrated 15 year old boy with all the attitude and resentment he can muster, I find patience harder to come by and feeling the need for the boundary of respect to be set firmly and not so lovingly.  He was angry that he had pushed the boundary to a consequence and was misdirecting that anger my way.  Fortunately for me, delay added to that consequence.  So when I found myself frustrated, I informed him that I would need some time to calm down before I could help him effectively.  Wouldn't you know, my waiting caused him to rise.  To battle the challenge on his own and tackle it with tremendous success.  The desire to end his consequence expeditiously built in him an independence and confidence of which he is likely unaware.  He can do it without me.  He just has to be motivated to do so.  It is my hope that with time, that motivation will be internal.  For now, I am happy to provide the structure to build those skills.  Until then, I will be here waiting for him to do the things that those of us on the outside can so clearly see he is capable.  I suspect in my waiting, I will be amazed that I underestimated him because in the two short months we have been doing this, he has come so far.  To his credit, as is his practice, he had insight into the unfolding of the day.  He apologized for the disrespect and sheepishly admitted his success on the day.  Even on the hard days like today, he is worth every strife and struggle.  In the photo below, he was at the peak of being angry with me - so you can imagine how much he loved my photojournalism.  He did ultimately consent to the sharing of the photo and our day together.  Yay for Wednesdays off to fight this good fight.   

No more than the homeschooling dust had settled, I got a call from my brother reporting that Mom had come back to his room and stated that Dad hadn't done anything for two days and that she was worried about him.  Obviously, Mom is an unreliable source for Dad's level of activity over the last two days (he had ran two errands that day) but her instincts about his wellness remain top notch despite the Alzheimer's.  I told Kevin I trusted her instincts and that I would stop by after all the crazy evening running mentioned above was complete.  I did call Dad and he reported feeling pain around his abdomen and back and feeling fatigue that reminded him of when he had his infection last year.  With all the flu, covid, and rsv going around, the logical thing to think was that he picked one of those up.  But when your Dad's oncologist likened his situation to living with a ticking time bomb, you can't help but find yourself waiting to breath.  Afraid to exhale and find yourself in the moment that you work so hard not to think about every single day.  We could have weeks, months, years - we don't know.  We just work to enjoy all the moments and not let fear and worry ruin that.  It is when he isn't feeling well, that undercurrent of fear and worry finds its way to the surface.  

After the haircut we went to check on Dad, he was tired and running a low grade fever but not looking terrible.  It sounded like it came on the night before so not something that had been coming on for awhile.  This was encouraging.  No one said much, but the worry was palpable in the room. Dad was sitting with his eyes closed though he continue to chat with us.  I decided to leave Big B with them just in case they needed anything in the middle of the night.  Big B was more than happy to volunteer because he loves going to visit them.  A real blessing of this homeschooling decision has been his ability to be a support to his grandparents.  He travels with them to do the heavy lifting, sit with mom when Dad has things he needs to do and is eager to spend time at their house any time I will let him.  That is a double win because he gets to see Uncle Tev too - everyone's favorite playmate.  

For now, we will be waiting to see how the next couple days unfold.  Praying that he starts feeling better in 24-48 hours and we can feel more comfortable that this is just a virus.  And blog readers have to stay waiting for photos of the girls because I hardly saw them today!      

Where you came from. . . DPP2022 Day 13

 Here she is showered and ready for bed, waiting patiently on the labor of love for her classmates.  It is way past bedtime but I conceded to let her make the dough and the first two pans of cookies.   I finished them up for her before I went to bed. We had a busy evening.  There were spelling words to be learned, a math assignment to completed.  Perhaps the most fun and time consuming assignment was one of our family ancestry and heritage.  She learned a lot about both sides of the family.  A well timed phone call from her grandfather allowed her to learn even more about her maternal side of the family.  She was invited to bring a recipe that had some meaning to the family.  She decided to bring our family oatmeal cookie recipe.  Her Omom won both the blue and purple ribbon at the state fair with this cookie recipe.  It is delish and her Pawee's favorite.  Somehow, none of the cookies lasted long enough to make it to him.  

Here she is carefully writing the facts that she has just learned.  She is using the pencil that came from her 2nd grade entrepreneur fair.  She created pencils that had fidgets on the end.  They were a popular and fast selling item of the 2021 event.  It was fun to watch her be surprised to hear that a portion of her family came over from England and likely fought in the American Revolution.  They were farmers who lived in Virginia, Vermont, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin.   Her great great grandfather was a horse trader known for his honesty and integrity which landed him as mayor of his town.   Even though I am not sure honesty and integrity get you ahead in politics today, I do think they get you ahead in life so I hope she remembers where she came from and carries on the legacy that passed down through her oatmeal cookie loving grandfather to her.  

The timely call from her grandfather came with an invite to come over for pizza.  Ironically, she had piano and voice lessons to attend so her dinner would be a late one.  We saved her a few slices.  The invitation was such a welcome surprise.  It is the end of the semester which always equates to a lot of long days, evening and weekend work.   Today was no different and even though I had a dinner plan, I didn't have a plan that included helping K with her homework.  I am not sure the invite was out of his mouth before I said, "That sounds great, we will be there soon!"  Our family time together is more than it has been in the past but it is so great that I am unsure why we let the busy of our lives get in the way of it.  It seems wise to remember where we came from in this setting as well.  Keeping some of our focus there so that we don't let the hustle and bustle create distance where we desire nearness.  

No evening would be complete without the brotherly love that looks a lot more like WWE.  Is this just a mandatory part of having a brother?  It drives both my mom and me crazy but that seems to be of little deterrent to these boys.  There was laughter, the occasional snipping at each other, and then back to giggles.  I hope these two remain friends for life.  They are very different but matched in their kindness and empathy for others. They take after their dad in looking for opportunities to care for others.  When they remember where they came from, their Dad's example will be an excellent resource for them.  

The day may have been full and it felt chaotic.  But as this blog does for me, the reflection shows that there is such goodness that lies in the space in between.  

Why Monday? DPP 2022 Day 12

 This was my only photo from today.  Lil B's team won their division for their Fall Basketball league.  It was a little crazy managing a Monday night tournament game but we made it work and rescheduled what we could. It was a hard fought battle but they came out victorious against a team whom had previously beaten them.  

This image is a good reminder of this phase of life.  The running from work to activities.  Home with enought time to throw some concoction together for dinner before quickly doing studying spelling or helping with homework.  Quick bedtime routines long after the preferred bedtime.  I end the day tired and feeling like things were not accomplished that needed to be.  That I should have had a better plan for dinner and had thought the day through better.  It was a rainy, dreary, and cold Monday.  I am sitting here at the end of the day feeling my mental space matching that vibe.  

When I feel this way, I often feel ungrateful or inadequate.  Maybe I will see a meme that says, soak it all in, it goes so fast.  Mom guilt comes rushing in and increases that feelings of not appreciating my blessings.  As I sit here and I remember why I do this blog.  It is to be real and to give an honest account of our lives as they are now.  But what I have learned is that I can have days to be tired and feel like I am not keeping up.  That my parenting wasn't what I wanted it to be.  I can be ok reflecting on it tomorrow for growth.  Most importantly, none of that changes how grateful I am for this life.  My hearts expands just thinking about Rich and the kids.  I wouldn't trade any part of this busy, chaotic, and imperfect life.  I love my kids to the moon and back even on their worst days.  So I am giving myself permission to feel the sad days, the hard days, the guilt riddled days, or even the rainy cold and dreary days.  No one really cherishes every moment - it isn't possible.  Time manages to fade away the hard and leaves behind it the beautiful memories that make us want the next crew to cherish every moment.  

Mondays have quite the reputation for being so problematic leaving us asking why.  I wonder if Mondays are actually the gift that highlights the good in the rest of times.  Maybe we need an off day now and again to be reminded of how good the good days are.     

Joy - DPP2022 Day 10 and 11

 This time of year is busy and it is so easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle.  If you hold the organizational, planning, shopping, cooking, and wrapping role in your family, you know what I am talking about.  The to do list grows accompanied by self imposed pressure to make everything just so to make sure all have a wonderful season.  In that, I have learned that despite the added activity and tasks, there is so much joy.  Most of the time, it is obvious - like the daily search for the little guy in the "O" of JOY.  Sometimes it takes our action to make it so - seeking out those in need of joy or choosing joy when it is hard.  And sometimes you have to be on the look out for it.  You are so cramped in the midst of it, that you forget that you are surrounded by joy.  Even when we are outside of our comfort zones, walking through valleys, or scrunched up under pressure like my little elf in this picture, one of the gifts and reasons for this season is that joy and peace is always near.  We just need to invite it in.  A gift of joy that I am giving myself today is to do my catch up blog in one post.  It will bring me joy to have some memories preserved while not trying to get extra posts done in the already busy days.  

Graduation for the PA students I have the privilege of teaching was Saturday.  The students work tremendously hard to reach excellence and we are always so honored to be part of their process.  It is also such a joy to meet their families.  And I am pretty sure not having hours and hours of studying to do every day is bringing them great joy!

Perhaps the master of finding joy, Big b used his free time creating games while helping his grandparents in the in between.  Above, he has created cabin basketball.  It is a squishy stressball shot into a trash can.  Below he has created cabin trash bowling.  The same squishy stress ball serves to be rolled to knock down the "pins".  It is a true gift to bring such positivity and fun to nearly everything he does.  I am so glad he is home now because he definitely increases the joy in this house.  

Finally, perhaps the greatest joy comes from time watching the connections of family.  Perhaps a little cheesy but nothing like some bumpy roads to refocus your lens for joy.  When the Colorado crew landed, my kids were coaxing my dad to tell some stories.  What is hilarious about this is that I have never known my dad to need any coaxing to tell a story.  The kids asked me, do you have to be a grandpa to be a good storyteller.  I assured them this wasn't the what gave Pawee this gift.  It was the ability to not be afraid to embellish the truth with some creative remembering.  He never abandons the truth, just adds some color commentary around it.  Whatever the case may be, watching them happily putting off bedtime to listen to stories from his childhood may be the best "holding court" he has ever had.  

The challenges my mom and dad have faced over the last year have been hard.  If you would have told me we would walk through it with so much joy and fun, I would have never believed.  Here is stand, seeing joy, everywhere I look, and it was there every step of the way.    

The Unexpected Guests - DPP 2022 Day 9

Sitting at home on a Friday night, working later than I wanted to be while Rich, Lil b and K went to a Christmas party at the law firm where Rich does a lot of work, I got a call from my nephew asking if I was home.  Once you have kids and a husband who is way more fun than you are, you are used to people not wanting to stop by just to see you - so naturally, my response was, "Well I am, but I am the only one."  He reported that they were out and about and wanted to know if they could stop by.  Of course I said yes though still surprised that just I would do.  I suppose my pediatrics piece of my background could prove helpful now and again.  My nephew and his wife have a new baby - so their visits are extra exciting these days!  I can't help but be reminded of my late brother's impromptu calls and visits to see if I was home.  Both of my nephews do the call and stop by thing that Brian did.   I can't help but love the fact that it makes me feel like I still have that piece of him here on earth.   

The photo above is what always happens once I am not the only one home.  I love the sweet faces of all three girls from the light of the tree.  The baby is very popular and gets passed around.  There is generalized whining and gnashing of teeth when one feels their turn wasn't long enough.  I was hoping while I was the only one home I would get some good snuggle time but unfortunately, she was in a Daddy's girl frame of mind.  I will keep working on her to get into a perpetual great auntie state of mind.   One of my favorite stories around Baby BJR coming into this world was when my nephew and his wife told my parents.  I was there caring for my mom and dad at the time.  My Dad's response was so fantastic.  Kevin said, "You are going to be a great grandpa!"  Dad said, "Well, I have always been great."  Classic.  Got a good laugh from all of us, even mom.  I am grateful every day that both Mom and Dad get to see and spend time with Baby BJR because we feel the void of her grandpa.  He would have loved this time of year with her.  He was big on traditions and would have loved sharing them with her.  So we will do it for him.  Knowing how important it was to him, we will be sure, when she is big enough, teach her how to make sure to use plenty of frosting and not to be afraid to create double decker cookies.  Or how to try and tuck away a package so you can get to be the last person to open up a package.  Or how to cry package foul if there happened to be more than one thing wrapped in one package.  Or how to write witty to/froms instead of just your every day ones.  While I wish he could do it, it will be such a blessing to be a part of it.

Daddy's girl and her future babysitter are changing diapers.  She was unamused because she wanted some dinner!

Don't worry, baby BJR - Mama is on her way!

Patsy is not known for her bravery.  Apparently, a crying baby is disconcerting enough to snuggle with Rich.  This is highly photo worthy because the dogs typically ignore Rich's existence.  Lil b being far too consumed with stupid screens to be bothered to engaged in the fight for Baby B's attention.  

By the end of the evening, Kevin had come to visit too - though I suspect Baby B was his main motivator.  My heart was full with my full house.  I pray that all the kids and family will fill my house any night of the week. Only Mom, Dad, and Big B missed it.  They are still out checking on the updates to the cabin.  You can see Big B was doing the tough work of making sure the game machine still works. . . .clearly, it does.  After a flood from a broken radiant heat pipe - we have major renovations going on.  In the midst of it, Dad decided to put together a main floor big bedroom with an ensuite for my mom so she wouldn't have to do the steep stairs anymore.   These repairs began last January - we are ready to hit completion soon.  

The bed will face this window - so gorgeous.   We have had so many wonderful family memories in Colorado.  We have been going to a cabin out there for as long as I can remember but we missed this last summer due to construction.  Colorado is a family traditon for sure and I am so eager to get back out there.  For as tonight showed, time with family, expected or unexpected, is the best.  

Fighting For Not Against - DPP 2022 Day 8

 

Today was a busy day marked by the usual hustle and bustle of two working parents with busy children.  We all went about our days and even got to enjoy a band concert by Lil b this evening at his school.  Somehow I did not get a single picture of that event.  Lil b did a nice job and I sometimes wonder if he will be like his Pawee and his Dad and become an accomplished trumpet player.  Right now, he begs to quit band regularly but his mean old mom tells him how good music is for him and his brain.  

Above, is pictured a common occurrence around here with the two puppy dogs.  The little one is my mom and dad's puppy and the big guy is our pup.  The little one has the energy of a puppy still but Teds is over it.  So in order to get Teds to play, Patsy bites his ears and ankles.  Then this playing and fighting will commence.  They are very connected to each other and even though I am sure Teds finds her annoying.  He can be found some days instigating the playtime instead of her.  It is interesting to me how dogs connect through play fighting and engaging with one another in combative ways.  They instinctively know what is play and what is aggression.  It leaves me asking myself the question, how often do I fight for connection versus fighting against it.  

Humans were made for connection.  We will seek it out in every circumstance.  Think Cast Away with Tom Hanks and "Wilson".   Yet, once we have it, how often do we fight against it.  We lose sight of the importance of that connection and lean into selfishness or anger.  Man, I am guilty of this in so many ways.  Most who know my husband know that he is the most kind, generous, and loving human there is.  He is also irreverent and silly but somehow manages those in the most disarming and humorous way.  He redefines genuine as there is zero pretense with him and that authenticity will create connection with even the most aloof human.  He is a remarkable human being and I truly value my connection with him.  That doesn't mean that I don't find myself annoyed and being driven by selfishness around the little things.  When annoyances like the pantry light being left on or the morning news being too loud at 6am takes center stage rather then being strken from the script. I suspect the majority of us are guilty of such things.  

Tonight, that was K and Lil b.  After the concert, they were looking forward to our tradition of either Runza or Yo Yo Berry.  We live 3 blocks from the school and they couldn't manage to make it that far without fighting.  I am pretty sure this one stemmed from who got to sit in which of the identical chairs in the back seat.  They were given a warning to quit or we weren't going.  Despite what they wanted most from the evening, they fought against it and were driven by emotion instead.  Because it was Lil b's special evening and because this time, the instigator was the lil pup (aka K)... this time... I sent Rich and Lil b on their way.  A hard lesson in trying to redirect our emotional responses. There were tears.  There was regret.  There was the realization that some fights aren't worth it.  Something many adults are still learning today, including me.   

PJs and cereal for dinner wasn't what she wanted but it is what she fought for.  She rationalized all the reasons she made that choice but as the evening wore on, she began to realize how trivial those reasons felt once the emotion started to melt away.  I am left wondering how often in my life I have done the same.  Where I have given up what I really wanted to hold on the the trivial or the emotional.  Or even when I have fought for something that doesn't deserve the fight, merely because I forgot to look for what was worth fighting for.  I can see this foolishness is others and am then able to see where I hold guilt as well.  An example, where we want our child to have fun, learn and grow from sports but then engage in shouting at the child, the ref or coaching - thus fighting against what is truly wanted from that experience.  Emotion enters and perspective is lost.   Unleashing frustration on the minimum wage earning worker because inconvenience or even bad service has elevated emotion when compassion and kindness would likely have built connection and melted away the inconvenience.  I wonder if I couldn't spend more time being aware of how I am directing my emotional responses to ensure that I fight for connection and I fight for what matters instead of against it.  

  Here is Big B proving that if you have to do schoolwork, it might as well being with a beautiful view.  Somehow, he seems happier in this photo than we he does schoolwork at home.  Weird, huh?  Big B is another example of fighting against what is in his best interest sometimes.  He is a brilliant kid but just doesn't love attending to things he would rather not do.  He puts energy into fighting against work that he knows on every level that he is going to have to do eventually.  He sets up situations where he has long days or has to give up weekend days to pay the price for the dysfunctional fight he had against responsibility earlier in the week.  With mom as his accountability partner, this is improving and he is beginning to fight for his time off instead of fighting against his tasks.  He is learning how to fight for what he wants instead of fighting against the inevitable.  His growth and wisdom that has come from this uncomfortable process of accountability has taught me how badly we as humans sometimes need negative reinforcement just to get us to do what is in our own best interest.  Why we have grace but we are allowed to suffer the weight of our choices.  It leaves me grateful for the molding that has occurred over my life to change my heart to one that wants to fight for connection, for the life I want, for the people who exist in it, and to leave behind the battles that are born of selfishness or foolishness.  Easier said than done but definitely worth a shot.  

Fear should never drive. DPP day 7

 

Today was a day where I was reminded what it looks like when we allow fear to take the driver's seat.  K caught me taking her photo of her two bandaids from her two vaccines today.  I have been blessed with doctor's visits with kids that never got too worked up about their shots.  Three of my four didn't even cry for their 1 year old shots.  I learned early on in my career that kids, like everyone else, value honesty.  If you are consistently honest with them, they have confidence in you when it is needed.  For example, if you tell them a throat swab will tickle, they learn to doubt your descriptions.  So you might get that swab without an issue, but the next one is gonna be a doozy.  Today, my credit for confidence wasn't high enough despite my long standing record of blunt honesty. Or sometimes, people are going to act from a place of fear regardless of what they know.  This kid has never done anything other than sit up on the table, complain about having to do it and then get through it.  So this was new territory.  To her credit, when mom got real serious and explained that holding still was a must as it protects her and the nurse giving her the shot - she managed that fear enough to be still.  She was stiff and crying (that shoulder is gonna hurt so much from those tight muscles) but she held still and got it done.  She learned what it means to be brave. She admitted later with a giggle, the fear and the tears were far worse than the actual experience.  

Interestingly, this young lady had a similar experience today.  Though she didn't think twice about her shots, she did have a fear driven moment today from being overwhelmed and lost as to how she was supposed to get all her work done and work all of her shifts this week.  We navigated the ideal option versus the realistic ones.  We discussed where priorities belong.  I tried to get her to focus on just the next one or two things she could do to move herself forward towards completion.  No matter how I tried, she couldn't focus on the path forward.  Fear of not getting done or not getting sleep or doing poor work was plaguing her brain.  This kid is so hard working and she cares deeply about working hard for both her school work and her employer.  Realizing she couldn't be everything to everyone caused her fear.  It didn't help that someone she considers a friend gave some "get up earlier" and "suck it up" type advice when she needed something a bit more compassionate.  She would have come to me if she wanted some tough love. Ha!  Fortunately, after years of getting it wrong, I quickly recognized her fear and moved away from teaching lessons and into teaching how to manage the emotion.  The fear.   By the time her lunch time was over, she shoved fear out of the drivers seat, she had a plan, had pulled herself together, and began chipping away.  I need to wrap up because I promised her some early morning support as well.  

There has been a lot of fear and worry in the last 12-15 months in my life.  Just like my girls, there were days when it hopped into the driver seat and I was stuck.  Not all the helpful advice or plans made anything budge.  That is what fear does.  It stops us from thinking clearly.  We focus on the problem and not the solutions.  We freeze under the weight of the what ifs.  It is a completely useless situation.   For me, I have developed a mantra that I will have faith, not fear.  Faith in its more pure form - that God has me and my family, especially my Dad.  I can rest.  Also faith in the provision that I will rise to the capacity needed of me as I walk through the many responsibilities around me. Faith in the community that surrounds me as well, that like my girls, I am surrounded in support and reminders why fear doesn't need a license to drive in my world.  None of that is easy and sometimes it is outright forgotten.  

Just a few more photos. . . I love this one because it shows Lil B's typical after school station.  In the recliner with his screens at the ready.  Sometimes with a show on TV while he works through the games on his phone.  Teddy keeps watching and makes sure he is protected.  What a good boy.  Two good boys!

Big B made it to the cabin and already busted his homework out.  Such a beautiful place to get to do school work.  He is so lucky.   On a side note, we are beginning to keep a list of the hilarious things he says.  We don't ever write them down and I am quite certain that we will forget them.  If you have any, send them my way.  

Light and Accountability. Days 5 and 6 of DPP2022

 Days 5 and 6  have fallen on days that we just run.  I often work late on Mondays and Tuesdays just trying to keep up with what needs to get done for the week.  This week was no exception.  I am usually running out the door from work to make it in time to pick up K from either dance or basketball.  Today, it was a basketball pick up to a piano drop off.  We were running slower than usual because she hadn't had anything to eat so we stopped at home long enough to nuke a leftover piece of pizza for 30 seconds.  Studying spelling on the drive to try and prepare for the test that comes tomorrow.  All the while, Rich is doing the same work and kid shuttle balance back and forth from basketball and baseball and all the things with Lil b.  E was taking photos at a high school basketball game for the yearbook spread she is working on while Big B was getting his school work done and packing.  The photo above is the only photo I took today.  Dad asked if I would come pick up Patsy and drop off Big B because he was running behind in his preparations to leave in the morning.   He wanted me to bring the grandkids to see the new lights they had put up.  As I drove around the corner, my mood was a common one for moms.  Tired, working through the next thing in an effort to just get to that moment where I can climb into bed and call it a day.  I wasn't pausing to take in the moments.  K was asking great questions, as she does.  She has a great mind that is constantly analyzing and evaluating situations in new and unique ways.  I was answering the questions at face value and moving to the next.  But coming around that corner, there was a glow coming from the house and as we got closer, we saw this beautiful gold (K's favorite color) nativity scene.  It's size was immense.  The star up so high in the tree really grabbed the eye.  It was take your breath away beautiful and shocking.  In that moment, I slowed down.  I stood and watched K walk all around it, amazed at its beauty.  She asked for a photo or I may not have had any photo.  The photo doesn't really do it justice.  A good reminder to me that God fetched me back in 2020, likely knowing how badly I was going to need Him over the next several years.  Something that I am grateful for every day because I am keenly aware that I would not have had the patience, peace, and capacity that I needed to survive.  Moreover, there wouldn't have been as much obvious joy lighting up the dark spaces.  Just like this display was lighting up the night tonight. I hope this display holds similar meaning, comfort, peace, capacity and mostly joy for my Mom and Dad as they walk through this valley.  Regardless, the display is breathtaking and festive.

This was my only picture from day 5.  It is a good picture because it allows for a big update from this year.  Big B is now doing an online curriculum with Mom as his teacher and accountability coach.  It wasn't an easy decision but it became really our only decision.  I can't remember if I included the years of work up we did with B that was initially led by his awesome OT.  She was our neighbor first but educated us on ways to help B develop life skills through OT.  She helped us learn so much about B and how much potential he has that we didn't fully know or see.  Through that testing we found that he was gifted but had significant challenges getting in his way.  We have tried every avenue in public school but the answer is always some version of lowering expectations and passing him along.  He wasn't building the skills needed and was falling behind as a result.  The decision was purely academic and led by his own desire to attend college - however, the fact that he isn't dealing with daily unkindness from other students is an added bonus.   Do I have time to homeschool one of my kiddos?  Of course not.  But I know he is capable if his feet get held to the fire and I can do anything for a finite period of time.  His work is elevating quickly, because it gets sent back if he doesn't do his best work.  Most importantly, he is so stinkin' happy.  I knew he was a different kid during the school year versus summer break - but the stark contrast from public school to online school was shocking.  You can see that joy in this photo.   The added bonus to this is that he can travel with my mom and dad.  This allows him some flexibility and changes in scenery for doing his school work and provides my parents with a helper and muscle.  He has worked hard the last couple weeks so he can take a couple days off this week.  It is a new world for him.  He loves it.  It isn't all sunshine and roses - we wouldn't have done this if there weren't bad habits to be tackled and accountability doesn't feel good.  It is often so essential for growth and that is wildly true here.  Plus, my world history, english and algebra knowledge is really expanding.  I do want to give a shout out to Mrs. Holthaus.  She was the teacher that taught me how to lovingly hold B accountable even when it was really hard and he wanted to give up.  She knew kind accountability and she set up skills that we are leaning on as we work through this adventure.  He had a lot of good teachers for whom we are thankful.  But Mrs. Holthaus knew B's potential and she knew how to help him reach it.  

Is it Bigfoot or Nessie? Nope, just the Hoffman bigs! - Day 4

 Following through on my promise to catch the Bigs. . . I caught them in their comings and goings.  

This beautiful girl is a senior.  I can hardly believe it.  If I am being honest, I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it.  While I would love to enjoy every moment - she is constantly on the go.  When I am sad because she is gone so often, I don't stop her because I know it is preparing all of our hearts for when she goes.  Regardless, I know that it will create a void that we will all feel and we just aren't ready for the first exit.  She is a hard worker and she has learned who she is so I know she is going to be great.  We will miss her humor - especially making fun of her Dad, her sweet and generous nature, and the occasional drama mama rant that usually makes us laugh.  What is pictured above is one of the things I will miss most.  It fits her personality so that she sits down and stubbornly learns music that is beyond her lesson level.  She is playing beautiful music and I enjoy it so much.  I pray that music provides the same stress relieving outlet for her that it has always done for me. Her childhood best friend, Mamo, would be so proud.  

Big B has spent the last 8 months being mostly in charge of the wellness, care, potty training (of the puppy) and play time for both our dog and his grandparents new puppy.  It has been such an area of strength for him..  Unlike some humans, animals appreciate his empathetic yet wild nature and repay his kindnesses with loyalty and admiration.  They get such better care because they have Big B in their lives.    

Lil b and I got away for a quick Mom/Son date to the Creighton/Nebraska game and otherwise our day was spent getting things done.   But right now, I am feeling the same as K in the final photo and am ready for bed.  

Good night friends. . . more later...

Watchful Waiting - DPP Day 3

Our Saturday developed like many of our Saturdays do as of late.  The day begins slow and quiet, snuggled in with coffee, Christmas carols, candles lit, and my STAR journal which bring peace and focus for the day.  The calm is usually disrupted by some kid activity.  As the day goes on, we collect extra people and animals until by the end of the day, the house is full of noise, activity, people, and love.   In the photo above, which I have titled "Watchful Waiting".  The dogs are trying to keep up with all the coming and going of all the people.  I suspect they just heard the garage door go up and they are waiting expectantly to see who will emerge from the doorway which result in barking and a rush for the door.  They will also pick up a shoe to present to the lucky arriving party. 

Watchful waiting is a concept in medicine that supports that sometimes the best action is no action for now.  When we want to give some time to see if the body will heal itself.  It seems passive but it is actually an active and powerful tool to promote the long term health of the patient by not doing too much.  Giving the body medicines or interventions that are not needed are not without consequence and violates our oath to first, do no harm. But it is not passive - it required attention, follow up, and intentionality of ongoing evaluation for when either the watchfulness is no longer needed or treatment is needed.  I have been trying to apply this same concept to life.  For example, when a kiddo struggles, I sit back and wait, though not passively.  I am watching for the inputs of how they are doing, what strategies they are trying, if their mental wellness is holding strong under the stress, and if they are within their capabilities of resolution.   Very useful tool.  

Our day started with a championship match for little K - which they came up just short.  But her team went 6-1 in their league and fought hard for a close loss in the final game.  She mentioned being nervous for her game and I nearly scoffed and said, "It is 3rd grade basketball . . ."  Instead, I chose my typical sports advice which stems from both my ineptitude in sports coaching knowledge as well as what I deem most important for them to get out of sports.   "Just focus on giving your best effort, maintain a good attitude, and be a good teammate - the rest will take care of itself." It is usually met with an eyeroll or complete disregard for the statement but I am hoping if I say it enough, it will travel life with them.  I will watch and wait for that seed to grow and blossom.  

K had an awesome cheering squad (I am taking the picture).  Yesterday, on the way home from my parents, K asked Lil b if he was going to come to her game.  I held my breath and practiced some watchful waiting - wondering if Lil b would realize that innocent and quiet question was actually an invitation from someone who wanted him to be there.  Lil b, as he usually does, picked up on that hopeful question perfectly and answered, "I can do that.  I would love to watch you play!"  Exhale and smile.  That was some of those seeds sowed long ago that are truly blossoming.  Well done, b.  Well done.  

Lil b is a kid that just wants to be with people.  We love this about him except when it comes time to purchase a gift for him.  He has a closet full of untouched toys and lego sets that we have begun to donate and give away.  His Uncle Tev, who is a very thoughtful gift giver, gave Lil b an experience gift for his birthday.  Today, he cashed it in.  He was given an activity of his choice with his family or a small group of friends.  He took his friend to an escape room.   Having never done an escape room, we were unsure if these two middle school boys could do it alone.  So Uncle Tev got to go too - because he literally knows everything (you want him at your trivia table every single time).  Rich and K went along as well.   Turned out, the kids rocked it and Tev and Rich got in the way.  They were a few minutes short of success but plans are already being made for the next time. Rumor has it, it is all Rich's fault.  Fortunately, he takes the blame with grace and humor which makes it even more fun for all. 

I had lunch with a dear friend and then headed home to start working on that Christmas to do list.  I called to invite my Mom and her puppy over to help with the festivities.  This provides Mom a change of pace, the puppy time to play with our Teds, and Dad can have some time to do his own thing.  Rich's mom, saint that she is, came up for the game and stayed to fold laundry. Yes, I know I am incredibly bless by her!  She is seriously the best. So we had a hang out of all the moms.   As everyone began to return, we played some games.  Here is a photo of Lil b, his buddy, playing shut the box with Mom and me.  I could see the confusion in Lil b's friend as we had to reexplain what to do each round.   I told him that Mom has Alzheimer's and that she just needs a little prompting then I sat back and waited watchfully.  It was time to see how he responded and if I needed to use it as an opportunity to teach how to maintain dignity and respect while being helpful.  I did not.  He adapted quickly and sweetly became part of the team prompting her - but not doing it for her.  He spoke respectfully and gave her dignity.  Middle school school boys can and will rise when given the opportunity!

Big B and E spent their days with friends - as teenagers do.  I will try to catch them in the wild tomorrow. . . 

Watchful waiting is a process for sure.  Sometimes, there is expectancy and eagerness.  Watching our kids grow up and becoming humans that we think are pretty great is an incredibly rewarding time to watch and wait.  Sometimes, there is worry and anxiousness.  Watching my parents both walk through hard medical things that both end only one way is an incredibly hard time to watch and wait.  Even so, as you will see in the posts to come, there is a ton of gift in that process because it leads us to value time together, to not take each other for granted in the hustle and bustle, and it makes priorities quite clear.  I also definitely do not want to forget the seasonal reason to watchfully wait for the birth of Jesus and when life gets hard, it makes the preparation of my heart in gratitude for this free gift of which I am undeserving all that much easier.  

Tripods - DPP Day 2

 Today’s photo may not be the reason for the blog title but this is certainly a tripod of buddies.   After a dinner out, indulging both my Dad’s and Rich’s craving for a certain nacho typical restaurant (ew), we helped with the final touches of Mom and Dad's Christmas tree decorating.  K found an ornament that was a miniature of something she had seen many times on her frequent visits.   Quickly she found it and brought it to Mom.  Dad is telling her here how my mom painted both the big and the little.  

Just a sweet photo of K and LilB getting along while out to dinner.  These two have two modes right now.  Either, they are the best of friends or mortal enemies.  They can fluctuate between the two at dizzying speeds.  

Somewhere in the evening photo albums from our childhood were brought out.  I think we were looking for photos to show the kids what shag carpet looks like.  But in it was found a photo of me doing a head stand.  Mockingly, my Dad asked if I could still do that.  The answer is no - which was a surprise to no one except maybe me.  Naturally, I had to try it anyway.  What is a surprise is that I can still do a tripod.  When the kids saw this, they thought, "Well that must be easy!"  I was pleased to see them have to work their way up to it.  Plus it make for some funny pictures.  K got angry and gave up at first.  That probably had more to do with the late hour than true frustration, but I love Big B's face when she finally got it.  This whole adventure gave us all belly laughs, opportunities to encourage and coach, and a good grit building activity.  One of those simple things that might otherwise be long forgotten if not for this December project.  Now we can keep it as a core memory of joy on a regular, otherwise uneventful Friday night.  

Only Lil b made it into a headstand - though only briefly.  I feel certain the other two will keep trying. . . 

Today I was intentional and grateful for taking a moment with my mom that allowed me some time to feel something I hadn't in a long time.  I had left work with a bad headache and when we were at dinner, the tylenol hadn't kicked in yet.  So I just laid down my head on my mom's shoulder and reminded her that my head hurt.  Now, in the pre-Alzheimer's days, she would have patted my head or rubbed my temples - but she just tipped her head to rest on mine. Just like she has always done for me, it made both my head and my heart feel better to have just this little reminder of what it is like to have your mama around to help you when you need it.  When I tried to snap a picture of it, her only comment was - "when did I get so old?"  Seems like the moment took her back to a simpler time too.