Fighting For Not Against - DPP 2022 Day 8

 

Today was a busy day marked by the usual hustle and bustle of two working parents with busy children.  We all went about our days and even got to enjoy a band concert by Lil b this evening at his school.  Somehow I did not get a single picture of that event.  Lil b did a nice job and I sometimes wonder if he will be like his Pawee and his Dad and become an accomplished trumpet player.  Right now, he begs to quit band regularly but his mean old mom tells him how good music is for him and his brain.  

Above, is pictured a common occurrence around here with the two puppy dogs.  The little one is my mom and dad's puppy and the big guy is our pup.  The little one has the energy of a puppy still but Teds is over it.  So in order to get Teds to play, Patsy bites his ears and ankles.  Then this playing and fighting will commence.  They are very connected to each other and even though I am sure Teds finds her annoying.  He can be found some days instigating the playtime instead of her.  It is interesting to me how dogs connect through play fighting and engaging with one another in combative ways.  They instinctively know what is play and what is aggression.  It leaves me asking myself the question, how often do I fight for connection versus fighting against it.  

Humans were made for connection.  We will seek it out in every circumstance.  Think Cast Away with Tom Hanks and "Wilson".   Yet, once we have it, how often do we fight against it.  We lose sight of the importance of that connection and lean into selfishness or anger.  Man, I am guilty of this in so many ways.  Most who know my husband know that he is the most kind, generous, and loving human there is.  He is also irreverent and silly but somehow manages those in the most disarming and humorous way.  He redefines genuine as there is zero pretense with him and that authenticity will create connection with even the most aloof human.  He is a remarkable human being and I truly value my connection with him.  That doesn't mean that I don't find myself annoyed and being driven by selfishness around the little things.  When annoyances like the pantry light being left on or the morning news being too loud at 6am takes center stage rather then being strken from the script. I suspect the majority of us are guilty of such things.  

Tonight, that was K and Lil b.  After the concert, they were looking forward to our tradition of either Runza or Yo Yo Berry.  We live 3 blocks from the school and they couldn't manage to make it that far without fighting.  I am pretty sure this one stemmed from who got to sit in which of the identical chairs in the back seat.  They were given a warning to quit or we weren't going.  Despite what they wanted most from the evening, they fought against it and were driven by emotion instead.  Because it was Lil b's special evening and because this time, the instigator was the lil pup (aka K)... this time... I sent Rich and Lil b on their way.  A hard lesson in trying to redirect our emotional responses. There were tears.  There was regret.  There was the realization that some fights aren't worth it.  Something many adults are still learning today, including me.   

PJs and cereal for dinner wasn't what she wanted but it is what she fought for.  She rationalized all the reasons she made that choice but as the evening wore on, she began to realize how trivial those reasons felt once the emotion started to melt away.  I am left wondering how often in my life I have done the same.  Where I have given up what I really wanted to hold on the the trivial or the emotional.  Or even when I have fought for something that doesn't deserve the fight, merely because I forgot to look for what was worth fighting for.  I can see this foolishness is others and am then able to see where I hold guilt as well.  An example, where we want our child to have fun, learn and grow from sports but then engage in shouting at the child, the ref or coaching - thus fighting against what is truly wanted from that experience.  Emotion enters and perspective is lost.   Unleashing frustration on the minimum wage earning worker because inconvenience or even bad service has elevated emotion when compassion and kindness would likely have built connection and melted away the inconvenience.  I wonder if I couldn't spend more time being aware of how I am directing my emotional responses to ensure that I fight for connection and I fight for what matters instead of against it.  

  Here is Big B proving that if you have to do schoolwork, it might as well being with a beautiful view.  Somehow, he seems happier in this photo than we he does schoolwork at home.  Weird, huh?  Big B is another example of fighting against what is in his best interest sometimes.  He is a brilliant kid but just doesn't love attending to things he would rather not do.  He puts energy into fighting against work that he knows on every level that he is going to have to do eventually.  He sets up situations where he has long days or has to give up weekend days to pay the price for the dysfunctional fight he had against responsibility earlier in the week.  With mom as his accountability partner, this is improving and he is beginning to fight for his time off instead of fighting against his tasks.  He is learning how to fight for what he wants instead of fighting against the inevitable.  His growth and wisdom that has come from this uncomfortable process of accountability has taught me how badly we as humans sometimes need negative reinforcement just to get us to do what is in our own best interest.  Why we have grace but we are allowed to suffer the weight of our choices.  It leaves me grateful for the molding that has occurred over my life to change my heart to one that wants to fight for connection, for the life I want, for the people who exist in it, and to leave behind the battles that are born of selfishness or foolishness.  Easier said than done but definitely worth a shot.